Dear younger friends of ours, Brenton and Margot from South Africa, recently shared the truth of his porn addiction and her responses from their lives as husband and wife: Their true story and concerns are public and they are helping others wherever they can, while also being helped.
I've just got Brenton's reply to say his facebook note is out there to be read by all. So if you can identify with any aspect of their story, or need to hear how change is possible, please feel welcome to follow this thread to Brenton's facebook note. There is opportunity to comment (politely).
I pick up at Brenton’s last paragraph of the background to his addiction, sexual abuse and finding help to overcome pornography as he shares in their "Freedom Face-book-Note"
"The third issue was my porn addiction. I don’t know if fortunate is the right word but when I got to high school I was able to have my own pc with internet access. This started my downward spiral into porn addiction. At first it started as occasional nude pics then it changed to daily nude pics. As I got bored with the pics I found myself going to video clips and so over the years it went from soft to hard core, from pics to videos, from single poses to all sorts. In the end anything went. I was ashamed and embarrassed about this and did not have anyone to talk to. Every time I tried to escape I would find temporary freedom only to be pulled back as if I had a bungee cord attached to me and I’ve stretched it as far as I could and now it was pulling me back. Eventually a year ago my world came crashing down. After carefully hiding my files in sub folders upon sub folders on the PC where no one would find then, Margot found something."Margot shares:
"It was the most traumatic morning of my life, and to top it off Brenton was at church! How could he be at church and have this on the pc. His whole life is a lie. He does not love me, I am just a nice cover up to make it look like all is fine. I was extremely hurt and angry. I was obviously not good enough that he needed to look at other women and even men. What had I done to deserve this.Brenton Shares:
When Brenton got home I confronted him and we had the biggest fight ever. He walked out and I never thought I would see him again. With mixed emotions of wanting him back and not wanting to ever have him near me. I sobbed my heart out and phoned a close friend, who came immediately and was there for me in my darkest hour. Brenton returned after an hour and my friend was able to give us a few simple words of advice... and that is how we started to restore all that had been taken away. At the time I told Brenton that if I found anything else I would move out with the kids, and slowly we started to work on our marriage. It was a long journey, with many mixed emotions, but it was one of sacrifice- of making choices to love and serve Brenton even when I felt that he did not deserve it. We really wanted our marriage to be restored and we would do whatever it took. We put K9 onto the pc to block certain sites and I have the password. We did laugh your way to a better marriage – which was excellent, explaining the differences with men and women.
I think the big thing for me was that Brenton wanted to change. He was relieved that I had found it, as it had been a secret sin for so many years. We could now work at it together. I realised that the pornography was not a sin towards me, but that it was a sin like any other sin, between him and God. I needed to support him and help him to get rid of the sin in his life. I want to appeal to all wives out there that if your husband tells you – see it as a privilege, he is inviting you into the most secretive part of his life and he wants you to help him break free. It is only through the strength of Christ that he is able to be completely free, but he needs you to walk along side him and support him. Brenton and I are extremely transparent with each other, we share our feelings and thoughts and have a much closer marriage and understanding of oneness that God intended for a married couple. I am busy doing a course called united front, which is a course for all wives who are walking the journey of sexual purity with their husbands. It has helped me focus on God, as during times like these it is only God who can help you love and serve your husband, when all you want to do is stay away from him and think about yourself. It is a course that is filled with God’s word encouraging you along the way and at the same time, real people sharing their struggles and emotions. You even have a mentor that responds to you, and encourages you in your journey. I would encourage anyone in this situation to give me a call so that I can walk beside you, it would be a privilege, It is my heart that God can use what I have experienced, even though it was terrible at the time, to help you build your marriage and for you to know who you are in Christ. Through God’s grace it can be done. Just a few thoughts and how we can change our thoughts into Godly thoughts.
“ He doesn’t love me. He only loves himself” In Colossians 3 :14 He does not show love as he should but his capacity to love can grow.
“ I can’t believe what he has done to me!” In 1 Corinthians 10:13 What he has done is difficult but God will give me the grace to get through it
“ I will never forgive him” In Matthew 18:32,33 After all that the Lord has forgiven me, this is the least that I can do.
“He’ll never change” In 1 Corinthians 6:11 By God’s grace, he can change
“I’ll show him what it’s like” In 1 Peter 3 :9 I’ll give him a blessing instead
“We never should have gotten married in the first place” In Matthew 19:6 He is my husband and I am committed to him no matter what
“ This is more than I can bear. There is no hope” In 1 John 1:9 There is nothing that has happened that God cannot forgive, that I cannot forgive, and that we can’t work through."
"Where do I turn to? Who do I seek help from? How can I tell others about my shame? After all, it is only I with this addiction, so I thought. I was enslaved to this and now it may cost me my marriage and my family, all that I held dear. In shear desperation I cried to God for help. And He heard me."Please, if you need to and would like to find out how people can be helped, DO read the full version of
Brenton and Margot's experiences here.
