A while ago, at our
Time Out Tuesday Bible Studies, a dear friend opened her heart to us and shared her struggle to forgive her
father. As we are all still at the
beginnings of our friendship with her, we don’t know much more, but, Lord
willing, there may be more precious times of sharing in the future. She’s been on my heart.
So here are notes from Sittser's book with the hope that someone, somewhere will be given a perspective that could possibly put them on the road towards forgiveness.
Part 1
"Forgive and
Remember" (1) Something on unforgiveness.... Quoted from Jerry
Sittser."
- Some people suffer
loss because other people commit acts of betrayal, unfaithfulness or brutality,
or blunder, or plots to do evil.
- Most victims of
wrongdoing want justice to prevail after their loss and for a good reason. They
know intuitively that there is a moral order in the universe. The violation of
that moral order demands justice. Without it the moral order itself is undermined
and people are given license to do whatever they want.
- People who have
suffered loss recoil at such an idea. Their undeserved, irreversable loss
reminds them every day that wrong was done and wrong must be made right, a
score evened and restitution offered.
- Sometimes our
systems of justice fail. Sometimes we may fantasise about the suffering of the
one who did us harm.
- Most unforgivers
soon realise that this preoccupation poisons them.
When the very
thought of forgiveness seem abhorent it is time to make sure there is not a
root of bitterness springing up.
To be continued.
I’ve also posted
these few notes to facebook and two friends made very valuable comments there:
K: What is your definition of forgiveness?
C: to let it go, to know that god will have
justice and its not up to us, to realise that we sin against him all the same?
K: thanks Charlene. How is the relationship with
you and the person you forgave would be if the person seems to keep abusing
you??
C: If they kept on
abusing you it would be hard, but just as Jesus said when peter asked him how
many times should i forgive my brother? 70 times 7 times we should forgive our
brother. It’s easier to say than to do though especially if they are not sorry
and keep doing it. but i guess we have to try and understand them and that they
are blind and cannot see. and keep showing them love. that will soften their
hearts x
Part Two
"Forgive and
Remember" (2) Something on unforgiveness.... Quoted from Jerry
Sittser."
- "Unforgiveness can lead to hatred in the heart and a
desire for the wrongdoer to suffer as much hurt as the wronged is
undergoing.
- Unforgiveness is like fire that smolders in the belly, like
smoke that smothers the soul. It is destructive because it is insidious.
Occasionally it flares up in the form of bitter denunciation and
explosions of rage.
- Unforgiveness should not be confused with healthy responses
to loss.
1)Justice and anger
are legitimate emotional responses to suffering. And grief is a natural condition
that follows on the heels of loss.
2) When we suffer,
our soul cries out in anguish. This is the beginning of the healthy but painful
process towards healing."
Part Three
"Forgive and
Remember" (3) Something on unforgiveness.... Quoted from Jerry
Sittser."
- Unforgiveness is different from anger, grief or the desire
for justice.
- Unforgiveness is as ruinous as a plague.
- The destruction of unforgiveness can occur on a large scale
as we see in Northern Ireland or in the Middle East.
- Unforgiveness can
also occur on a small scale as we observe in gang warfare, family feuds
and conflict between former friends.
- In the name of
unforgiveness, people can do terrible things.
- Unforgiveness uses victimisation as an excuse. Unforgiving people become obsessed with
the wrong done to them.
- The unforgiving person claims to be in the right and this
may very well be so. But I wonder sometimes if being right is worth the
misery it causes?
- Is it worth living
in the bondage to unforgiveness? Is
it worth the cycle of destruction it perpetrates?
Part Four
Is God’s forgiveness conditional?
Matthew
6:14-15 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your father who is in
heaven will forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses,
neither will your father forgive you your trespasses.”
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- Does God make us perfect in this life so that we never fail
to forgive?
- Does he bring us to the point immediately where our
response to every personal insult or injury is never, not for a moment,
resentment, anger, vengeance or self-pity?
- Is forgiveness the quality on which the Father’s
forgiveness depends?
- Does this mean that the disciple never has moments when an
unforgiving spirit has the ascendancy?
- Does this mean that forgiveness is a way by which we earn
the Father’s forgiveness?
- Does this mean we are lost when the old unforgiving spirit
raises its head again?
“Forgive us our
debts as we forgive our debtors”…means:
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1. I don’t enjoy and revel in persistent,
intentional unforgiveness.
2. I don’t make a consistent practice of not
forgiving.
3. I make every effort to stop harbouring
resentments and tabulate wrongs.
4. I can dare to approach God in search of mercy
and know God will hear my plea for forgiveness.
·
Forgiveness
flows from a heart satisfied with the mercy of God and rejoicing in the
cancellation of our own ten million dollar debt (Matthew 18:24).
·
The
person who has, through mercy, been born from above cannot be the same any
more. God is at work in him to will and to do his good pleasure (Philippians
2:13.
Can
we have assurance of eternal life even if we have not reached the point of
having fully forgiven others?
·
We are a
new creation (Galatians 6:15); and the mark of our newness is not yet
perfection, but a persistent inclination to forgive, a journey towards
forgiveness.
·
It may be three steps forward and two steps
back. It may be take a long time. But
are we moving towards forgiveness?
Part Five
There’s been a pause in the summarising of this chapter on forgiveness by Jerry Sittser. Reason: I thought I accidentally left the book behind after a visit to a coffee shop. But, it’s found!
These indentifications and follow-up actions may seem deceptively simple.
Sittser uses the example of a friend, Glen, who after a bitter divorce realised, he had to face at least three things in the midst of his grief:
- The wrongdoing against him.
- His own bitterness.
- And the need for forgiveness.
- His bitterness made him miserable and brought unhappiness to those around him and brought guilt to him. He realised that he was pushing other people away and acted like a victim.
- Glen started to take inventory. He saw what he was doing to himself and his other relationships. He wrestled with God and finally decided to forgive.
- But forgiveness did not come easily or quickly. He wanted to forgive but it took him time before he could actually forgive.
- The first step was identifying how he was wronged and name the wrongs.
- He also had to see how negative he had become. Bitterness had taken root in his soul and he wanted that bitterness uprooted.
- With God’s help he tried to change his attitude and behaviour – and succeeded:
- He started to make positive comments about the one who wronged him and later even wished her well.
