Disappointment-Management

 
 
 

 

If there was not a big earthquake in Tokyo on 11 March 2011,  with two disasters following, Gordon and I would have been with our family in Japan on a visit from the UK.   How we were looking forward to the meeting at the airport - looking out for our children Michael and Isabelle at Narita, with our little granddaughters.  It's over a year since we last saw each other - we've been missing one another!   Many a time we dreamed of picking Josie and Evie up and hold them tight to our hearts, swing them around & get to know them again.  Sure as cookies there would have been many a bear hug among the adults. We were excited to see them in their home and in their new country, Japan. 

What a disappointment - but what a relative disappointment.  Relative, because Michael and Isabelle and the children experienced the trauma of the earthquake personally and then there are the thousands, bereft, homeless, looking for names on lists, evacuated from the Nuclear Power Station.  And for them we pray much.
Our cutest of cute granddaughters:  Josie in pink and Evie dancing in the rose-red party dress.


And now on to the topic at hand:  Disappointment.
Disappointment comes in all sizes, doesn't it? Any time our hopes and expectations are not realized, it strikes. It could even, if we allow it, permanently change our lives and shadow our reactions to everything.   Some of us are disappointed over the government, children, parents, leaders, teachers, employers, siblings, friends, terminated dreams.  Disillusionments in people and/or circumstances abound.
Of course, we have our own share of letting others down, intentionally or not. Some may be disappointed in God and who of us ever escapes being disappointed in ourselves?
In our struggle with our recent,  fresh but relative disappointment, we’ve discovered the following: either as reminder or for the first time.   We hope there’s something here for you.

Some Causes of Disappointment.

1)  Unrealistic expectations  
2)  Misplaced hope in people and circumstances
3)  Rigid expectations of God – on our terms
If He would only keep the schedule we’ve laid out for ourselves!
4)  A deceiving devil 1 Peter 5:8.
5)  Nobody’s perfect - that includes me.
6)  Egocentricism
Has our culture made us believe we are the centre of the universe -  the perfect set-up for disappointment.

Some Disappointment-management

1)   Nip disappointment in the bud.
2)  Accept the mystery of life.
3)  Let go of disappointments
Love and forgive graciously in all humility.
4)  Adjust our expectations.
It's urgent to change our expectations to realistic levels. 
5) Face up to the realities of disappointments.
  The Bible is very clear that trials do come (e.g. 1 Peter 4:12).
6)  Don’t suppress your disappointments
Face up to them, mourn them, and bring your heartaches and questions to God.
7) Know God’s promises and character
Don’t manufacture promises that God never made! !
8) Stand firm
The most important time for our faith to be sturdy is precisely when we are disappointed.
9)  Find your fulfilment in Jesus Christ
 He wants us to trust in His goodness, even in the midst of our deepest disappointments.
10)  Contentment - the antidote to disappointment. ”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' (Philippians 4:11-13) Contentment overcomes disappointment.
11) Be patient
This does NOT mean you’re simply a victim and that nothing ever works for you.
12)  Recount God’s faithfulness in your life.
Gratitude can truly change our lives, don’t let self-pity  control your life.
13)  Trust your Father, His will and His love for you.
Don’t let disappointment pull you away from finding out what His will is. His will is far more ambitious than our biggest dreams and human expectations.
14)  Focus on the ultimate hope that is in Jesus Christ
See the big picture in the midst of disappointments and hold on to your supreme hope in God.
15)  Rely on God to help you in your disappointments
God offers compassion, forgiveness, hope & encouragement to those who trust in Him.
Beyond personal disappointment
When things don't go as I had hoped they would, is that bad?

 Isaiah 61:3 “To grant those who mourn in Zion. To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for a spirit of despair, that they would become trees of righteousness”.

God can take the disappointments & ashes of your life and turn them into something very beautiful. The initial disappointment may actually turn out to be a gift which saves you from much greater grief.

What are God’s expectations of us?

Perfection!

God expects us to love Him exclusively, no other gods, only Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and to love people as Christ has loved them. What a disappointment we have been to God?! His holy character cannot adjust the expectations – so in His holy love God gave His one and only Son, Jesus, so whoever believes in this perfect Saviour will never perish but have everlasting life. Jesus took on Himself all my sins and paid the price for them with His blood and gave me His perfect righteousness which gives me access to God and the gift of reconciliation with a perfect God

Our own genuine deep disappointment with ourselves and our sin.

(repentance)

But before I’m reconciled to the Father, I need to repent – which is to be utterly disappointed with my sin, and so sorry that I turn from it, say no to it, turn to Jesus and say yes to Him.
There’s so much more, but this post is getting too long!
May you, in every big or small disappointment, be filled with the fullness of God's love and may your life abound with lots of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, meekness, gentleness, and self-control! (Gal. 5:22-23’) And know that God’s grace and forgiveness abound!




Our hearts still ache to be with our children, but the sting of the disappointment is fading.

Perception of another's stress, encouragement & prayer.

 

The magnitude 9.0 earthquake  and tsunami struck on Friday, killing thousands and leaving more than 500,000 people homeless amid freezing temperatures and aftershocks.  And then the serious problems of the Fukushima Power Plant.

Does one individual’s sympathy truly cover the 500,000 homeless people in Japan?  In all honesty, no.  Every time we see family searching lists of those unaccounted for, our hearts lurch in compassion.  Again, we sigh true sighs, but how do we have hearts of compassion for so many when , at times, we don’t manage to support those near to us, in prayer and encouragement.   But this is for another post.

My question today is:  on what grounds do I assess another’s crisis?  Not just as an exercise, but to inform my prayer support and words of encouragement to my Christian and church family in the midst of stress? 

In the assessment of another’s stress or  crisis, do I:

1. evaluate as an alarmist or as the stiff-upper lip-kind and criticise the different?
2. have the necessary information, and do I love enough to start imagine what the crisis is like, pray and communicate encouragement?
3. have a wider insight into this hardship which also impacts those close the immediate sufferers and do I pray and communicate encouragement?
4. form an opinion on grounds of surface knowledge, fragments of news, with no or little understanding about the outworking of huge events in another’s life?
5. hang back and  wait to see how the crisis develops before I pray and communicate encouragement?
6. judge another’s crisis on grounds of how I would deal with it and maybe be less motivated to pray and communicate encouragement?

Our dear children Michael, Isabelle and their 4 year-old Josie and 20 month-old Evie, together with many Germany families, left their homes in Tokyo. 5 days after the 9.0-magnitude quake on Friday 11 March.   The earthquake was momentous to countless people and also to our children – and as their parents, it was our honour to be constantly on the other side of the email-link.

Today I ask myself this question:
How do I measure another’s crisis and do I pray and communicate encouragement effectively?   Or do I in effect say: “Am I my brother’s keeper?”   Does my evaluation of their situation minimise my perception of  hardship and thus minimise my caring love?     Many of our friends have been truly wonderfully supportive by means of  face-book encouragements and emails – to you: thank you!

In the first place, let us pray for the grief-stricken in the tsunami area and for every Christian’s love and outreach with deep care and the good news. For families - for everyone!   And only then, pray for the people in Japan who have to make the wisest decision about their location for their family - if they have such a choice.

Here are some of the issues many have to deal with as they weigh up the options as on Thursday 17th March 2011 in regard to the Fukushima Nuclear Plant and the infrastructure of Tokyo and this part of Japan.

1. The experts themselves are uncertain.
2. Living with the lack of assurance that the power plant problems are solved.
3. What would a panic rush look like in a 35 million city metropolis, like Tokyo?
4. There are varying perceptions of the greatness of the danger.
5. For objective reporting. Stock markets staged large swings, reflecting the depth of anxiety world-wide. "Every investment decision is made through the prism of what is going on in Japan,"
6. It’s difficult to make a decision not knowing the worst scenario.  This is not being pessimistic, but in order not to over or under-estimate a situation, rather than being fear-driven.
7. Some have claimed that the Japanese government has a history of obfuscating and playing down crises.  It is well known that the Tokyo Electric Power Co has given false information in the past.  Tepco in 2002 admitted to falsifying data, including safety tests, dating back to the early 1990s and including records at the Fukushima plant.
8. The Union of Concerned Scientists, which considers itself a nuclear-safety watchdog group, Edwin Lyman said "there's clearly an erratic quality to the information coming out from the Japanese," which may indicate "they don't know what's going on."
9. Japan has a bit of a history of complacent and bureaucratic reactions to crises. Japan can be a place where bad news is avoided, or played down.  (Some doctors still may not tell a patient that he has cancer or explain what's in a particular treatment.)
10. Here are another 2 conflicting opinions and they both belong to the same person! The European Union's energy chief, Guenther Oettinger, also declared the Fukushima Daiichi site "effectively out of control." A spokeswoman for Mr. Oettinger later said the commissioner's remarks reflected his own personal views, and weren't based on privileged information.
11. Conflicting ratings. Japan rates its growing nuclear crisis at four on a scale of seven, but France's Nuclear Safety Authority said the disaster now equated to a six, ranking it second only in gravity to Chernobyl.

Grieve Triggered

After a busy morning out of home I was all fired up to continue the “getting-sorted-project” at home.   I tackled the desks-drawers, the spare-room drawers, taking out, ditching, organising.  As I pulled out the  drawers under our bed ….. there it was:  the grief-trigger!  A small bag of Michael’s personal belongings that we brought with us from South Africa to the UK after our dearest son's  suffering with cancer and his death.  No warning, just there it was:

A metro card (New York?)
A gym membership  & 3 different identity photos.
A song he composed and wrote.
A page from his address book, in his strong block handwriting.
The last Sudoku games Michael played with a concentration-frown fighting the morphine-daze.
A wrist band, a “big walk”  and swimming medals.
Two surfers’ necklaces: a shark’s tooth and a small replica of a surfboard.
A simple basic piece of pottery he made at school of a surfer in a barrel – funny little surfer!
A cigarette lighter and a copper bangle.
A heavy commemoration plaque of his last year at school.
His silver wrist watch.
And a key-ring with the words: “Oh give thanks to the Lord for He is good.”

How can parents and siblings possibly grieve without disappearing into a fog of despondency?  How can any person who encounters huge loss grieve without being overwhelmed by dismay?

Let’s say a big thank you that grief-intensity is not constant.  Initially I dreamed repeatedly that Michael had died  - only to wake up with the harrowing realisation:  he did die!  Rather than a temporary frightening nightmare – it was stark, hard-hitting reality!

Can Christians face terrible realities and still trust God to keep them intact? Yes!  Time and again the Holy Spirit focuses the vision of the God of comfort  blurred by grief.  Just ask - it's one request away from any Christian.  By His love and grace in Jesus , through  what feels like intolerable pain, we see a tender Father who loves and keeps and cares and carries!  Jesus acquainted with suffering, is with us and understands totally.  He has been there and has done that.

I’m thankful that Michael’s  ID book, driver’s licence and passport were not in that small bundle.  That kind of documentation, stamped “deceased” is one of the mothers of  triggers. 

Back to Michael’s key-ring-words: “Oh give thanks to the Lord for He is good.”  Gordon and I and our children echo that truth from the depths of our hearts and minds.   Nobody has forced us to do so. 

We can affirm this, not because we are stronger than anyone else or have a whole bunch of faith – be assured, we are weak and our faith is not the greatest.  But…..we are convinced by His grace, that our Lord knows the FULL PICTURE.   We’re sure, He does and we don't.  And so,  through our sighs and tears we are proving the truth of  His goodness.  No, no, we’re not trudging through real life like blind-folded people.  To the contrary our “God-is good-conviction” doesn't topple in the face of the reality of loss & suffering.   

We hope you too, like countless believers in the Lord Jesus Christ, have this anchor, sure hope, help, comfort and confidence that breaks out in thanks to the Lord because…“He is good.”

Let’s face it, there are no quick fixes – no matter how vigorously we might click that finger. But God has made a way in which we're enabled by amazing grace to face our loss square on – with the wisdom of the God of the Bible.  And where do we find this treasure of wisdom?  In the Lord Jesus Christ!

How futile to try to fight, to bang our heads against a wall, to ignore, deny and suppress that overwhelming shudder all by myself.  Deep down we know:  this is no little shiver or a momentarily blib or an interlude that can be easily and neatly shelved.  This is no easy come, easy go kind of grieving.  

Just for how long can I duck, dive and dodge my pain or on the one hand or on the other, indulge in binge grieving?  Rather than pretending all’s just fine or being swamped by our pain, let’s draw close to our God.  And wonder of all wonders by His grace  He will draw close to us.   What a difference that makes!
This photo was taken when our Michael was about 13.  He died physically (not spiritually) shortly after his 27th birthday of cancer of the spine.  Wow we still love him so much!

Madame Butterfly

Gordon & I are so excited to have tickets to Puccini’s Madame Butterfly in the Royal Albert Hall, London – next Sunday afternoon.  Butterflies are fluttering and tickling us on the inside – we’re like kids who can’t wait!

The floor of the Royal Albert Hall will be flooded with water to create a stunning design where Madam Butterfly’s house is perched on stilts above the  surface of a traditional Japanese water garden

Set in Japan at the turn of the century, this tale of the doomed love of an
American naval lieutenant and his young Japanese bride inspired Puccini
to write some of his most sublime and beautiful music.
The magnificent love duet which closes the first act and Butterfly’s celebrated solo ‘One Fine Day’, in which she shows her unwavering belief that Pinkerton will return to her, are just two of the greatest moments. And when, after several years, Pinkerton eventually returns with his American wife, Butterfly realises she has been betrayed and the opera moves to its powerful and tragic conclusion.

Which leads toa one of the most difficult and painful topics:  personal betrayal:

Oh the cutting hurt and insult when betrayed and wounded by one who affirms you as "friend".  It ‘s quite likely you have experienced this at some time or other.

Imagine Jesus and Judas om Gethsamene.  Judas says hello with a  “Greetings, Rabbi!" and kisses Him. Jesus replies:  "Friend, why have you come?”  It could have been any ordinary happy reunion of friends, if it was not for the presence of the guard. Oh the sting!  Judas betrays Jesus and sells Him for a mere 30 pieces of silver – for change in his pocket!

The stabbing insult of that kiss!  Betrayal devastates. And again, Jesus stands before Pilate. The very people He had helped, healed, taught, fed and encouraged yell:  “crucify Him”. The desperate depravity of the human heart to betray a friend…  

Paul refers to the last supper as having taken place “on the same night he was betrayed” (1Cor 11:23).  Jesus’ betrayer had a meal with Him even as He's about to face the agony of the cross. What should have been warm moments between friends turn out to be icy-cold hostility.  Judas betrays Jesus while blood-coins jingling in his purse.   

Jesus is all too acquainted with gut-wrenching betrayal, “…in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest” (Heb. 2:17).

We shudder when we stop to remember specific incidences of betraying our Jesus and still sometimes fail to acknowledge Our Friend who sticks to us closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24).  Our Saviour forgives the penitent and assures, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Heb. 13:5).  Sheer, sheer, sheer grace!

His promise is huge, great, merciful and precious: “I will never betray you, I will never leave you, never abandon you, never”.   Oh the height of security based on His solid promise to His own.   It makes all the sense in the world to trust Him whole-heartedly, even when the struggle is intense.   And, the cherry on top:  He is faithful even when I’m unfaithful….. and our gracious and faithfuly Friend forgives HIs repenting ones.

But let it be known: if any persist in deliberately denying Him, there will come a day – called the Last Day – that He will deny you before His Father.  A day when there will no more mercy for the one who insists on denying the Son of God who laid down His life for sinners.

Gordon and I boldly agree with Paul:

“I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,  nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rom 8:38, 39).

Not only will He not betray us or forsake us, He will defend, protect and care for us and keep us by His grace – all the way.

“Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though its waters roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with its swelling… The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge.” (Psalm 42:2, 3, 6, 7)

This truly sensational production of Puccini’s tragic masterpiece, Madam Butterfly and  the ravishing score have left an indelible impression on the hearts and minds of thousands and thousands of  people.  We think that will be so for us too on Sunday!

The Parting

 
When Gordon and I emigrated from South Africa to the UK at the turn of the millennium, we had the heart-tearing decision:  what to do with all our books in the light of each allocated 23kg of luggage on our flights!   The pain of  parting with our books was greatly eased when we took them off, box by box by box, to the Bible College in Port Elizabeth.  There, some students were so poor that they were given breakfast before starting with their Bible training.  It really is really more blessed to give than to receive!

In any case………among those books was a green copy of the the Autobiography of John Paton.   Oh! - this book has made such an indelible impression on both of us, that every so many years, it just overtakes our memories with force, and we willingly return to it.  That time has come again, this week.  I put out feelers on face book: “Have you read….?” – and waited with bated breath.    And they popped up – from Japan, New Zealand, South Africa and the UK!
John G. Paton, born in Scotland in 1824, was a missionary to the New Hebrides, today called Vanuatu, in the South Seas.  His Autobiography is still in print almost 120 years after it was first published, and is available as free reading on-line.   He came from a humble but godly home, one of 11 children, whose father 3 times a day went into his prayer closet and prayed aloud and the children knew and witnessed how their father walked with God. 

The time came for the young Paton to leave home and go to Glasgow to attend divinity school and become a  missionary in his early twenties. From his hometown of Torthorwald to the train station at Kilmarnock was a 40-mile walk.   (Phew!)   John and his father walked the first 6 miles together - a scene that would be embedded in John Paton’s heart for the rest of his life.

(Personally I prefer modern and contemporary writing style – but “The Parting” never ceases to move my heart).

THE PARTING

“My dear father walked with me the first six miles of the way. His counsel and tears and heavenly conversation on that parting journey are fresh in my heart as if it had been but yesterday; and tears are on my cheeks as freely now as then, whenever memory steals me away to the scene. His tears fell fast when our eyes met each other in looks for which all speech was vain!

He grasped my hand firmly for a minute in silence, and then solemnly said: "God bless you, my son! Your father's God prosper you, and keep you from all evil!" Unable to say more, his lips kept moving in silent prayer; in tears we embraced, and parted.
I ran off as fast as I could; and, when about to turn a corner in the road where he would lose sight of me, I looked back and saw him still standing with head uncovered where I had left him gazing after me. Waving my hat in adieu, I was round the corner and out of sight in an instant.

But my heart was too full and sore to carry me further, so I darted into the side of the road and wept for a time. Rising up cautiously, I climbed the dyke to see if he yet stood where I had left him; and just at that moment I caught a glimpse of him climbing the dyke and looking out for me!

He did not see me, and after he had gazed eagerly in my direction for a while he got down, set his face towards home, and began to return, his head still uncovered, and his heart, I felt sure, still rising in prayers for me.

I watched through blinding tears, till his form faded from my gaze; and then, hastening on my way, vowed deeply and oft, by the help of God, to live and act so as never to grieve or dishonour such a father and mother as He had given me.
The appearance of my father when we parted has often through life risen vividly before my mind, and does so now as if it had been but an hour ago. In my earlier years particularly, when exposed to many temptations, his parting form rose before me as that of a guardian Angel. It is no pharisaism, but deep gratitude, which makes me here testify that the memory of that scene not only helped to keep me pure from the prevailing sins, but also stimulated me in all my studies, that I might not fall short of his hopes, and in all my Christian duties, that I might faithfully follow his shining example.”

John G Paton, missionary to the New Hebrides went there after the ones who went before him 19 yeas previously were eaten within minutes of arriving on the cannibalistic island.  In 1839 John William and James Harris from the London Missionary Society landed in the islands. They found a place with absolutely no Christian influence and totally heathen. Both eventually were killed and eaten by the cannibals on the island of Erromanga only minutes after going ashore.

John Paton, later writing of this event said, “Thus were the New Hebrides baptized with the blood of martyrs; and Christ, thereby, told the whole Christian world that He claimed these islands as His own.”
In 1842 the London Missionary Society sent another team to the New Hebrides to the Island of Tanna. Within seven months the missionaries were forced to flee. In this context on April 16, 1858, John Paton, then 33 years of age, sailed for the New Hebrides (via Australia) with his wife Mary. The couple landed on the Island of Tanna on November 5. Tanna was a beautiful South Pacific island but lurking with dangers. The first night behind him on the Island of Tanna, John was ready to do a great work for Christ in reaching these pagan people with the Word of God.

“Missi” (Dr. Paton) is neither graphic nor morbid, the book includes life and death, superstition, the horror of cannibalism, great losses and great triumphs, trials and tribulation, and the overwhelming Presence of God in the midst of it all. In the native world of revenge and bloodletting.  
John Piper writes:

“ One of the most powerful paragraphs in his Autobiography describes his experience of hiding in a tree, at the mercy of an unreliable chief, as hundreds of angry natives hunted him for his life.   He began his Autobiography with the words, “What I write here is for the glory of God”.  God gets glory when his Son is exalted. And his Son his exalted when we cherish him above all things. That is what this story is about.”

If you are interested, please click on this link, to find John Paton’s free Autobiography on-line.
And for children: Food for Cannibals: The Story of John Paton - rewritten for young readers.

Dance!

 
Google was, in this instance again, a blessing.   I had half a fragment of a song looping ‘round my head all morning:  “Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart.”  You know how it is…it refused to budge nor leave.  Google came to the rescue.

Oh to run the straight race through God’s good grace – run and dance – even if, at times, through tears. This is crazy and impossible other than by our God's magnanimous and un-rationed grace in Jesus Christ.  So great is salvation in Jesus that even those in a wheelchair or busy moms in a dazed &  sleep-deprived state - even us who lost a son - can dance to the beat of the King's heart.

That doesn’t  mean Christians float in some fantasy land, out of touch with the brokenness of this world.   It means that as a Christian I have forgiveness & a solid hope in Jesus, by free grace through faith.  Help for today & a future that outweighs the sorrows of this present world - makes all the difference!

I’m sorry I couldn’t find a suitable you-tube clip - I hope you know the tune....?

Teach me to move in the power of your Spirit
Teach me to walk in the light of your presence
Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart
Teach me to love with your heart of compassion
Teach me to trust in the word of your promise
Teach me to hope in the day of your coming
Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart
You wrote the rhythm of life
Created heaven and earth
In You is joy without measure
So, like a child in your sight
I dance to see your delight
For I was made for your pleasure
Let all my movements express
A heart that loves to say 'yes'
A will that leaps to obey you
Let all my energy blaze
To see the joy in your face
Let my whole being praise you
Praise you

A heart that loves to say 'yes'
A will that leaps to obey you.

is a heart into which God poured out His love!




So I end - hurrying back to preparing for our much anticipated
visit with our children in Tokyo in a few weeks' time - with "love" in Japanese.

Funny baby baboons

Which parts of God’s creation bring a smile to your face?  Is it the cuddly baby, the playful kitten?

For us it is definitely the Chacma Baboon babies.
The Chacma Baboon is found in South Africa, north to Angola, Zambia and Mozambique. As South Africans, we have encountered them numerous times on our visits to the Kruger National Park, on hikes in the Tstsikamma Forest, along the Garden Route and at Cape Point.  While we lived in a farming community in the East Cape, the farmers sadly had no option but to shoot some Chacmas to prevent the killing of lambs for their intestines during times of severe drought. 

Quite recently, Gordon and I “bumped into” a small troop of Chacma Baboons on the Garden Route between Bloukrans and Nature’s Valley.  On that week-day we had the road and the small troupe of about 3 families all to ourselves. Were they entertaining and hilarious!  I took loads of photos, just like these from the internet. 

Enjoy and we dare you to look at them and think that our Creator God never smiles!



























Some people, who've never really encountered Jesus by faith, could be stuck in their impression that He’s a dull and  joyless God .

Zephaniah 3:17: The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will
take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.!

Who can read these truths, take them to heart, without being deeply, and profoundly moved to wonder and awe.  Has He saved you and quieted you with His love?  Is your hope in Christ alone?  Then, know for sure, He is taking great delight in you, and rejoicing over you with singing!

Staggering…

We don’t know what Jesus’ features look like, but we know rejoicing and laughter when we see it!

We believe that the wonders of Zephaniah 3:17 are fully realised in heaven and wonder what God’s singing sounds like!