How often do we not hear, or have said ourselves: "I don't know what to say to my suffering friend."
There are less pointers to keep in mind than any of us had to get into our heads to pass our driver's licence. So, even though we never get everything always right - that's pretty much a lame excuse.
So here are those bullet-points from Holcombs’ book, Rid of My Disgrace. In his book he gives guidelines in relating to sexually abused victims. I couldn't help being amazed how applicable they are for any kind of suffering.
This is going to take several readings, even some memorising, to equip us to be able to show sympathising love - emphasis on love with wisdom.
Here are Holcomb's lists (less information than what is necessary to know to pass your driver's licence)
WHAT NOT TO SAY
Hurtful reactions toward a victim may be intentional (victim blaming), or they may arise from ineffective attempts to show compassion by people who mean well but are uninformed. Below is a list of things not to say because they shame, blame, or doubt the victim:
“I know how you feel.”
“I understand.”
“You’re lucky that ___________ didn’t happen.”
“It’ll take some time, but you’ll get over it.”
“Why don’t you tell me more details about what happened?”
“Don’t worry, it’s going to be all right.”
“Try to be strong.”
“Out of tragedies good things happen.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“It was God’s will.”
“You need to forgive and move on.”
“Calm down and try to relax.”
“You should get on with your life.”
“I believe you.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“How can I help?’
“I’m glad you’re talking with me.”
“I’m glad you’re safe now.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Your reaction is not an uncommon response.”
“It’s understandable you’re feeling that way.”
“You’re not going crazy. These are normal reactions following an assault.”
“Things may not ever be the same, but they can get better.”
“It’s OK to cry.”
WHAT TO SAY
Below is a list of things to say that would support and encourage a victim:
“I’m sorry this happened to you.”“I believe you.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“How can I help?’
“I’m glad you’re talking with me.”
“I’m glad you’re safe now.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Your reaction is not an uncommon response.”
“It’s understandable you’re feeling that way.”
“You’re not going crazy. These are normal reactions following an assault.”
“Things may not ever be the same, but they can get better.”
“It’s OK to cry.”
To get that desired driver’s licence, we would do anything to get to know the necessary must-know-data, to pass the test.
May we never ever again say “I didn’t know what to say to my grieving friend”.
May we never fail in our part of being a friend in need – just because we didn’t make the effort to get to know the very basics of showing loving sympathy. Love starts here.
